Some developments

Today I had a lot to do, but practically I did nothing. I was thinking about my gay life. The guys I met and stuff like that. There was a German guy, his name was Uwe. He was doing his PhD in the same university as me. First he liked me but after just one meeting he trashed me. Anyway, I feel even thinking about him and looking at his pictures releases a big energy within me. Probably I can use him as a model in my dreams to can imagine the feeling of living with a guy who can make you the butterfly in your stomach.
On the other hand Henric, that nice guy I met up north a couple of years ago, now after some much time looks reachable the thing I couldn't even dream of before. I will try to do my best to be honest with him and see if we are good for each other, from many aspects he can be my guy. I need some energy within me to can go ahead and change my life from this mediocre stage.
I will do my best and I am sure if I really want it and set my mind toward it I can get it. Imagine, me living with my dream boy and doing science and life. I have to make this image in my mind more and more clear. That's why I need some sort of model in mind or a guy that his image gives me such a courage to go ahead and reach him.

Naked guy in the corridor

Consider you are taking your clothes from laundry and in the corridor suddenly a half naked cute guy with super nice body, six packs and ... comes in your way and asks a question. How do you feel? specially if you are a desperate fag like me. I felt the shock when I reached my own flat. Had to rush to my shelf and drink a glass of Vodka to feel sort of normal again.
Damn, I want itttttttttttttttttttttt. Maybe it gave me a lesson about how to persuade myself for going to gym.

And another era in life finished. I gonna die

And another era in my life is about to finish. I mean the thesis and then the whole study in here.

Well, I have a strange feeling as still I don't know to where I am heading to. I applied to many places. Let say 6 so far and already got 2 rejections, otherwise It was 8.

I have money to kind of survive by March. Hope to find something by then, if I can not I gonna kill myself by carbon monoxide. It is a good method, fast, painless and easy. It gonna be my story starting from the poor neighborhood and a very very poor family in Tehran, studying, studying and studying. Making my way abroad, studying in 3 countries. Getting degrees in the most high tech areas of engineering and now I see nothing in front of me except committing suicide with carbon monoxide.

I forgot to tell you the most important part, and being GAY. Nowhere it is easy to live as a gay and in Iran it was even worse than worse. I was thinking maybe in Europe finally I find someone, impossible or nearly impossible. All I got was just heart breaks and rejections.

It is destiny, a gay boy in the middle of homophobic Iran and in a poor family and ends up in the middle of Europe, well educated and then another end. I feel I didn't progress I just had a very long turn that is all.

Next week, I have my thesis finished, and still no job no PhD admission, no opportunity. Who wants an Iranian guy, no one...

As I told before I give myself another 3 months to search and if not, yes, you heard it write. I gonna die. I really hope they won't send my body back to Iran. I hate to be buried like Muslims. At least I like to have a gay rainbow flag on top of my grave. I have born in shit, and die in freedom but depressed and hopeless.

Das ist ales.

I have to go ahead

Hey man, come on, stand up. Claim the control of your life. That is all. I know, I know there are people out there who don't take you serious but you have to survive. On the other hand there are people who take you serious and they love you. Always there are assholes. You had many of them now and then but you always could get over it.

What you have to do now is just concentrating to finishing your thesis first, and also applying around for a PhD degree. All your mission is this. I think besides writing a blog can be a good idea. Sometimes you have to expose your personality to the world. You can find friends who can help you in difficult situations like this and support you somehow. As it happened once or twice before. Sitting and browsing internet won't help you it will just destroy you completely and totally.

I know it is hard but you have to survive. You did survive even much worse than this before and for years. What is wrong with you. Love, success and security is waiting out there for you. Just use your brain, go and get them. Come on boy.

You see how you managed that guy from internet last night. You had 2 very bad dates and those dates taught you a lot. I can imagine otherwise you could end up in another loss of nerve, money and dignity. Good man, go ahead. Sooner or letter you will get you are waiting for it so desperately and you gonna start a better life as a PhD student.

End of the tunnel

I feel I need to write today again. Really really I feel I am entering into another stage of my life. It is like pain of a woman who is giving birth to her child. Last time I used this analogy to Alireza but it was wrong. I think I don't have to watch romance movies, it stimuli something deep in my brain, kind of old annoying pains and reminds me of biter nice things. From biter nice thing I mean romance although no romance in this world supposed to end up to eternity. It always end up in hate.
Well, my thesis kind of going forward, finally I can see the end of tunnel. But once getting out of tunnel I have no idea what can happen. I am going to apply everywhere, really everywhere. One friend told me it is always the 10th and last one which actually works. Let see.
My chance is somewhere, things which come to everyone never come right from sky on their hands. Basically they come a bit right or left. What you have to do is just jumping around and get it in a way.
I hope I will be happier next month this time comparing to this month.

Going to another era in life

I think I am moving from one stage to another stage of my life. Today I got one of my applications rejected but I was not so sure about it. There were 2 positions and 60 applicants.

I have to work hard in the following 2 months then later I won't regret it. I have some more chances and also maybe a job if it is not a total shit which I hope it is not.

For the first time in my life gay things became one of the last priorities so you can imagine for a almost-celibate guy like me what it means.

It seems dots may connect to take me out of this shitty situation like they did twice before. Maybe not so perfect but at least some phenomenon happened which pushed me to enter a new era in my life. One from home to South Korea and another from there to Europe. If I am right the third one already started hope for a better position. But I am clearly panic today because of that shitty rejection letter.

Some new things

Last night I met a guy. It was not a date. He was a friend of my friend. A straight guy, we went together for dinner and then home having a couple of beers and then disco. I don't know but that guy made me feel still I can meet people totally accidental and I like them.
He was not physically maybe much my type but I started to like him and if he was gay we could fall in love easily.
Other thing, I have to finish my thesis ASAP. I feel now there are some hoped to can get a PhD admission or a job soon.
I set my mind into two things: PhD admission and a new love. I am sure I am going to get them.
I met my friend again, this time in Denmark and I think he is going to help me if I don't be lazy again. I am hopeful.